6. January 2009 by Jessie.

Here in New Jersey, weddings have a season - most people get married late spring to early fall - May to October.  As soon as it gets a little cold and there’s that whisper of snow in the area - people just put their poofy white dresses away to hibernate until May.

But there’s always wedding planning going on!  And I think the winter and early spring is an ideal time to begin communicating and contacting your vendors for your summer and fall weddings - for a variety of reasons!

We’ve all heard that the holiday season is the time to get engaged, so the New Year always starts out with a bunch of new brides, ready to start planning their perfect days.  On the other hand, as the new year begins, all of the brides who have been planning their 2009 weddings can finally say - I’m getting married this year! - and fully dive in to their planning (this works for next year brides too - I’m currently planning my 2010 wedding, and have felt so much better about emailing and contacting vendors now that I can say “I’m getting married NEXT year!”)

As I said, this is a great time to start planning because if you have the time, you won’t begin to feel the pressure or crunch of wedding planning.  And when wedding planning becomes stressful.. well, then it’s not fun, and planning the wedding is almost as much fun as the wedding itself.

So if you’re a new bride, or super excited to be getting married this year or NEXT year, here’s a great tip to get you thinking about planning your wedding ceremony:

What do you absolutely WANT to have? And what do you absolutely NOT want to have?

• Is it very important to have your mom or dad walk you down the aisle?  Do you want to make sure you can write your own vows, or use special ring vows or a reading?  Is there a special ritual or tradition that your parents used that you just have to be able to fit in?
• Alternatively, have you been to weddings and thought - I don’t know what I DO want, but I can tell you what I don’t want!  Are there certain stories or anecdotes you don’t want your officiant to use?  Certain terms or vows that you are just dead set against?  Rituals or traditions that you’re just not that into and don’t want?
• It’s a great idea to brainstorm these together before you meet with your officiant, so that you can make sure you’re all on the same page when it comes time to put your ceremony together.  Sometimes, the key is to knowing what you DON’T want!

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8. December 2008 by Jessie.

This fall, I’ve begun to work with many couples who are getting married in the summer and fall of 2009.  And I’ve found many of them have been requested handfastings!

Photo from Flickr
If you’re not familiar with handfasting - it’s, quite literally, “tying the knot.”  Though “handfasting” is often used in Pagan circles as the the term for the entire wedding ceremony, the handfasting I’m referring to is a unity ritual, often going after the ring vows and before the closing of the ceremony.  The couple takes hands (like they’re shaking hands - right into right and left into left).  Their hands are then wrapped with a cord, symbolizing the joining of their lives and hearts.  Each wrap represents a step towards complete commitment to each other.  At the end, the couple remains there, for a moment, and then the cord is removed before the end of the ceremony.

Lindsey & Ben had me wrap their hands, then repeated a simple vow.

Some couples choose to take vows as their hands are wrapped - this is an option as well.

Something fun many of my couples have done is to choose a handfasting cord that really means something to them - if you’re a fiber artist, you can knit, spin, weave, or crochet your cord - or use something that is relevant to your life - a couple I met with recently mentioned using boating twine as they are getting married at the beach!  There are also traditional meanings to the colors of a handfasting cord - so if you want to do multiple colored cords, your officiant can mention what each one means as it is wrapped around your hands.

Photo from Flickr

You can also have a friend, family member, or bridal party member wrap the cord around your hands.  If you have a smaller bridal party, you could have them all come up and do one wrap, as the officiant speaks.  Or your parents could wrap your hands, signifying their support as you enter this next stage in your life.

The roots of the handfasting are in the Celtic countries of Europe - I’ve had couples with Irish backgrounds use handfasting, as it has been the tradition in their families.  Many couples who want to incorporate a Pagan touch to their wedding have chosen a handfasting as well - not only because it is a lovely ritual, but because it’s a nice way to slip a non-traditional element in to the ceremony without scaring the more conservative relatives.

PS: Not that crafty and don’t have a beautiful vintage handfasting cord in your family?  Hit up a fabric store, and buy some beautiful trim or cording and some tassels (in the home decor section).  Attach the tassels to the cord, and you’ll have a beautiful handfasting cord!  Just make sure you get one that is long enough - I’d reccomend at least1 yard and a half long.

I think it’s a beautiful ritual, one that has a fabulous background, and something to think about when putting your ceremony together!

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4. December 2008 by Jessie.

So maybe you do want to write your own vows after all. There are many books and websites and random people who will give you advice, rules, outlines, and other information about putting your vows together.

But you don’t have to listen to anyone.

Your vows, like your ceremony, should reflect who you are, as well as your relationship with your soon to be spouse. Personalizing your vows, or customizing existing vows is a great way to do this.

Here are my top five hints and tricks for writing your own vows.

Something Old: Do you really want to use the traditional “Till Death Do Us Part” vows, or have a specific vow that you heard somewhere that you just love - but you also want to exchange personalized vows during the ceremony? It’s possible. Talk to your officiant about incorporating the traditional vows elsewhere in the ceremony - in the ring vows or in “The Asking” (that’s the “I do!” part of a wedding). You can even incorporate them into your personalized vows.

Something New: If you get stuck on your vows, or are having trouble figuring out how to finish them, give them to some new eyes to look at. Your bridal party, parents, or officiant are just waiting to offer suggestions and questions to help you create the perfect vows for you. And, if you’re choosing to not keep them a secret from each other, sharing them with your partner before hand can often open up new ideas and stories that you may want to include.

Something Borrowed: The internet is a great resource for putting your wedding ceremony together. There is tons of information on vows people have used, as well as personalized vows couples have written. Don’t be afraid to borrow liberally from these places - your guests will never know you didn’t write it!

Tom & Jeannie wrote their own vow, but had me read it to them - and then they agreed with Yes! and I do!
Something Blue: This is the wildcard - What do you love about your partner? What do they do for you that makes you smile, every single time? Don’t be afraid to get specific with your vows! I’ve had couples promise to always make cookies and coffee after dinner or tolerate a favorite television show. Don’t be afraid to personalize it!

Melanie admired Brian’s resourcefulness at tough moments - like when the cat gets locked in the closet, and they can’t find the key - Brian promised to love and support Melanie even on Mondays after a tough day of work.

Writing your own vows is a great and easy way to personalize your own ceremony. As I mentioned in my previous post, even personalizing pre-existing vows can help to create a wedding that really reflects who you are!

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2. December 2008 by Jessie.

When I meet with couples, one of the first things I ask when we’re going over ceremony structure is whether they plan to write their own vows. Sometimes, I get a lukewarm response - “Well.. maybe…” After some questions, and a few suggestions, I usually get it out of them: they would like to have original and different vows, but don’t want them to specifically be vows that they’ve written.

Over my time as a Celebrant, I’ve culled a huge file of wedding vows - some original that I’ve borrowed from couples, some I’ve found in books or on the Internet, some I’ve written myself. I present these to my couples as a jumping off point - a source of inspiration to begin to think about possibly creating their own vows. I find that often people will find vows they just love, and edit them slightly to work for their situation.

Mickey and David each chose different vows to read at their wedding

Another idea that may work if you’re looking for slightly different vows - find out what vows your parents used in their wedding ceremony. Some brides and grooms like the idea of using traditional vows because they are the same words that people have used for generations when they married - the whole tradition of the ceremony itself. If you’re planning an interfaith or multi-faith wedding, you may be able to find wedding vows that are traditional to the specific religion you’d like to honor.

Retta & Jack chose the same vows but chose not to say them
I read them aloud, and they agreed to them with “I do”

The best part? No one will know that you didn’t write these vows yourself! If you choose slightly different vows than the traditional “to love and to cherish, as long as you both shall live…” - most people will assume that you have written them yourself. And, as it is your big day, you can take all the credit for it.

Here’s a very popular vow that I’ve had many couples choose - and I just love it too!

I take you, Dyana, to be my spouse,
my friend, my love, and my lifelong companion.
To share my life with yours,
To build our dreams together,
to support you through times of trouble,
and to rejoice with you in times of happiness.
I promise to treat you with respect, love and loyalty
through all the trials and triumphs of our lives together.
This commitment is made in love, kept in faith,
lived in hope, and eternally made new.

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11. August 2008 by Jessie.

OK, I may be late to the game, but I finally saw the Sex and the City movie last night.

I am a huge fan of the series (the first DVD I ever bought was the first season of the show!), and always loved all of the different weddings that occured throughout the series.  The “perfect” weddings always reflected the relationships of those getting married so well - like Miranda and Steve’s sweet civil ceremony in a park (with no white in sight!), and Charlotte and Harry’s Jewish ceremony that just couldn’t go right (and Charlotte first wedding, the seemingly perfect wedding, which was just falling apart at the seams).

And the movie was not disappointing wedding wise at all.

[If you haven’t seen the movie, or don’t want to know more about the plot, please skip to the bottom!]

When Big and Carrie decide to get married, Carrie picks out a “no-label” vintage suit to wear to the small ceremony.  But soon, the wedding balloons out of control (as can be seen in the absolutely stunning and absolutely HUGE Viviene Westwood dress that Carrie is given), and soon the wedding doesn’t reflect who Carrie and Big are as a couple and as individuals - which is SO important in weddings.

Unfortunately, Big finds himself lost in the huge poof of a wedding Carrie has planned, and he ends up not being able to get out of his car on the day of.

In the end, Big and Carrie find their way back to each other (just like always).  Big, who isn’t a writer and seems to always have a problem expressing his feelings very well, sends Carrie a simple love letter: “I will love you forever.”  And the final scene of the movie has them being married in city hall, Carrie wearing her no-name simple suit, their ceremony simple and elegant.  With an “I do,” and a kiss, they’re officially husband and wife.

[OK, I guess if you’ve stuck around and are skimming towards the bottom, but trying to avoid the plot of the movie, you can start to read again.]

And Carrie, as the narrator, imparts this information on the audience at the end:  “Why is it we’re willing to write our own vows, but not our own rules?”

Create your own rules, especially when it comes to love.  When it comes to weddings, don’t be afraid to say “No,” or change what you don’t feel reflects who you are.  Don’t get lost in the poofy layers of the crinoline they talked you into getting when you bought your dress, and don’t be afraid to make your wedding say exactly who you are.

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4. August 2008 by Jessie.

Unity ceremonies are really popular in wedding ceremonies - and rightfully so! Wedding ceremonies aren’t just about two people coming together, but about two lives coming together. Unity ceremonies showcase this, and the physical aspects surrounding them can really help “cement” that feeling of togetherness, as well as provide visuals and make you and your partner feel closer.

And there are so many! Here’s just a selection of the many unity ceremonies that are out there!

Unity Candle: Perhaps the best well known is the unity candle. The couple lights tapers, and uses the tapers to light a central pillar candle. This is a sweet and well known example of a unity ritual, and is easy to incorporate family into as well (parents can light the taper, or children can help light the central candle, to symbolize a family coming together).

Sand Ceremonies: I love sand ceremonies, and they are ABSOLUTELY not just for beach weddings. In a sand ceremony, the couple each pours a small amount of colored sand into a central vase, creating a beautiful layered sculpture that they keep to remind themselves of their love and commitment to each other. It would take forever to separate the grains of sand once they are poured and joined together in the vase - just as your love will last forever! This is another great ceremony to include family with (they can combine the sand that you will pour into the vessel, or add their own layer in a separate color), and is especially fun if you have children! It is a great outdoor solution to a unity candle (no wind will blow it out), and is really family friendly (no potential burns).

A variation on the sand ceremony is to used colored water, which the couple combines into a central vessel. I’ve seen this done where some chemistry-savvy couples have found ways to pour two colored waters into the middle and have them combine as clear!

I think it’s important to mention when it comes to both Unity Candles and Sand Ceremonies that you don’t need to just purchase the kits for these (though you can find Unity Candle sets at most craft stores now!). Though the internet is full of places to purchase these kits, you can very easily make your own, saving yourself a little bit of money and being able to personalize it even more. A quick trip to the craft store can yield a beautiful center pillar candle (perhaps in a color appropriate for your wedding colors or bridesmaid dresses), and some tapers or tea lights. You can find clean craft sand in most craft stores as well, and a selection of vases and vessels are usually displayed with them. Check out discount stores (like Target or Marshalls) for beautiful vases for the sand ceremony, and don’t forget places like Pier 1 or other home decor stores for vases and candles!

Wine Ceremonies are a personal favorite of mine, and one that has a rich history in many backgrounds and cultures. For the religiously inclined, a blessing can be said over the wine before the couple shares a glass. This symbolizes that they will share everything from this point forward - and their sorrows will be halved and their joys doubled because of this. A variation on this ceremony is to use two glasses of wine - one bitter and one sweet, to actually represent the good and bad times that a couple will embark on together.

Rose Ceremonies are very popular in weddings now as well. There are a few variations on this - the couple can present roses to each other, as their first gift as a married couple. The symbolism of the rose is explained, and the couple will have the rose to remember the commitment and vows they have taken. Another idea is to present a rose or flower to important women or mothers present at the wedding, as a special thank you for their love and support. This can be done with bouquets or other gifts, and is even appropriate if you have a very special person who cannot be at the wedding - simply present the flower to their partner, in their honor, or place it on a seat of honor for them at the front, during the ceremony.

Another sweet ceremony in the line of the rose ceremony is something from the Hindu tradition. The parents of the groom will present the bride with a garland, to welcome her into the family. A simple presentation of flowers, a small present, or a garland from the future parents in law is a beautiful gesture of acceptance and love that can truly show that the couple aren’t the only ones coming together - it’s about the joining of family as well!

These are just a few of the many suggestions and are, of course, just a jumping off point! Take inspiration from them, and run with it to make your ceremony your own!

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13. July 2008 by Jessie.

Weddings aren’t just between two people – they are the coming together of two separate families! It’s so special to include parents, siblings, and your children into your wedding day – it helps to foster the sense of togetherness and family that you hope your wedding will create. Any of these can be changed or adapted for your ceremony.

Here are some suggestions for incorporating family and children into your special day.

✗ Dad doesn’t have to walk you down the aisle.
○ Honor a special family member by having them escort the bride or groom to the altar. Your son or daughter, older sibling, or both parents walking you down the aisle is a beautiful, personal touch. It not only shows their support and love for you, as they guide you into this next step of your life, but is a wonderful way to honor someone. And they don’t need to “give you away” at the end. They can either be seated in the first row after escorting you, or join you at the front for a few moments while I say some nice words to thank them.

When my mom and stepdad got married in 1999, I escorted my mom down the aisle.

✗ Mention them in your vows or take vows of their own!
○ This works especially well when there are kids involved. You could promise to be a loving parent to your child (or friend, for blended families). You could mention the love that you both have for your children, or the great memories that you’ve formed (and looking forward to many more!). You don’t need to write your own vows to work these in - I have a few vow examples that use them – ask me for them.
○ After the bride and groom exchange vows, I can write a short vow that, once read, everyone in the family would agree to. There are many options for this – you could have your children agree to support and love you, and accept your support and love. I could read the vows to the friends and family gathered, and have them all answer with “We will!” Or it could simply be the family agreeing to love and support you in your new roles as husband and wife.

✗ Unity Ceremonies!
○ Unity candle, sand ceremonies – all of these symbolize the coming together of two separate parts into a new whole. The unity candle is typically lit by the parents, and the bride and groom then use the tapers to light a larger candle – but why not have the bride and groom light the tapers, and the kids light the larger candle? A sand ceremony is a great idea for younger kids who you may not want near an open flame – plus you’ll have a beautiful sculpture afterwards! Small cups of different colored sand, representing the entities coming together in marriage, are poured into a larger vessel.

✗ Incorporate a family blessing or special thank you!
○ At the beginning or end of the ceremony, I can give a special mention or blessing to the people coming together to form a new family today. I can also talk to family members, if you’d like, for a brief “interview” about the bride and groom, and incorporate those words into the ceremony.

✗ Give them an honor with a ritual!
○ Do you plan to have a handfasting, Greek crowning, or other special ritual? Have a family member crown you, or wrap the cord around your hands. I will mention them and why you have choosen them to have this honor in the introduction to the ritual. It’s a wonderful way to have a family member or children a part of your wedding.

Copyright © 2008 by Jessie Blum
Do not redistribute or reprint in any form without written permission

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